kizha (kizha) wrote,

Hello! It's been so long since I blogged. I read my own last entry (April last year) and it was a rant.oops.

It's nice to come back on the online world once in a while. I kind of regret not blogging at all over the last year, mainly because writing became more a chore than a pleasure. But its sooo fun to be back! Wheee

So much has changed in the last year, eight months into worklife, I can't imagine how it would be like to go back to school anymore. Work is so much more exciting in its own way. Sure, its mundane from a day to day basis but the knowledge that your fate is now in your own hands and you can do anything is amazing! Literally anything- quit tomorrow and join a talent search contest even if you croak like a frog- take on a choice that is purely yours.

I used to fear that. School was like a nicely set-out path that you merely continued on. I went to school, did my homework, studied enough to pass my exams, went to university and got a nice, safe and sound degree that would set me on that one-most-natural-choice job that would of course lead to the next-one-most-natural-choice-job etc etc. Marriage was well, somewhere along the way and children perhaps too.

Realised that things were slightly different at the end of university though, a place in school is pretty much guaranteed but a job isn't. Besides, there is always the tiny little problem of not having "a natural choice job." You actually need to figure out what you WANT to do. I found that slightly scary. Also, looked like marriage and the kids weren't going to happen too, another story for another time. The idea of having to decide what you want to do with your life was pretty terrifying at first- I mean, what if you go down the wrong path and waste half your life away and spend the other half regretting, what if god-forbid you become ahem, a "failure."

But eight months on, I find the same idea empowering. Might be because I am employed at the moment, but mainly because I learnt that working isn't that scary and somehow you always survive. My idea of what constitutes a "failure" has of course changed drastically as well. I never believed that financial success was the only sort of success but I confess to being a tad lured by the nice sounding title. ie bank managing director sounds better than starving entrepreneur and of course, there was that teensy weensy bit of pride about not being the charity case of the primary school reunion. Now, I still think pretty much the same thing. Except that I think its worth suffering the occasional inferiority-complex moments now if you feel happy the rest of the time. In other words, I don't mind being a "failure" if I am a happy one and since I think a happy "failure" is an oxymoron, you cannot be a failure if you're happy.

Put more simply, I still have these money and pride issues but I don't feel pressured to make decisions on my future that would lead in that direction. I feel happy knowing I have a choice because I will use my choices to make me happier by leading my life my own happy little way.

Hehehe. Long convulated post that's pretty reflective of my own uncertainty, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say myself. I feel older though, much older than a year ago. My friends page looks different too...where is everyone?
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